Snow :)

I have never loved snow so much in my life. One of my fondest memories in the snow happened about five years ago. My sister and I had donned our snowpants and set out on an adventure across the "wild" terrain behind our house. Two hours later, we were lost, I was freezing (freeze-baby that I am) and had surrendered myself to certain death by laying in the nearest 3 foot tall snowbank (which happened to be right next to me as I was surrounded by an ocean of 3 foot tall snowbanks). I could see a neighborhood, but not our neighborhood, and in my despair, I dramatically declared to my sister that I was going to die there, at which point she yanked me up and began running through the snow, dragging my freezing, useless body after her. Needless to say, we made it home.

But today, I was on my own. I was in a foreign country with nothing but time and homework to hold me back. I followed my heart to the city centre, where my heart is often residing, and roamed around the beautiful decorated streets, feeling the large clumps of snow as they danced lazily onto my face and hair. I mailed three postcards I had had written for at least a month (be expecting, ladies!) and then headed off in search of an upstairs cafe where I could write and work on homework away from the turmoil of the busy street shoppers.

However, due to the ridiculous Nottingham property taxes, there are only two cafes with upstairs seating that I could find, and as I was determined not to enter an American Starbucks while in England, I headed to the very familiar Waterstone's bookstore where I ended up at a table perched right at the top of a noisy escalator. I did my best to pretend that the whir of the escalator was soothing, but ended up turning up John Mayer on my ipod instead.

I may have been on my own today, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I couldn't stop smiling all day long -- partly because I was listening to John Mayer for 2 hours straight, partly because the snow was so breathtakingly beautiful I could hardly contain myself, partly because Christmas has wrapped its arms around Market Square -- but mostly because I am free, independent, and alive. I have been blessed with such an incredible opportunity to live out every moment of every day in a foreign country until June. How absolutely wonderful is that? I have never felt so empowered, so wonderful in all my life. I feel so free. Free from organized institutions, free to be who I want to be, free to explore, free to know myself like I have never known myself before. Free to change. Free to be happy and content with change.

I hope that the beginning of your winters have been as wonderful as mine has. There is nothing like a fresh coat of snow to remind us that everything will be alright, everything can turn out the way we want it to, if we only allow ourselves to be flexible and never allow ourselves to stop hoping for the best.

I leave you with a tiny poem I wrote alongside that boisterous escalator in Waterstone's:

Darling, life is beautiful
All you need do is open your eyes
See the loveliness all around you
Why are you hiding from it?
There is nothing to fear
Only yourself
Let go, escape
Fall back into the arms of reality
Relax into the beat of your own heart
This is your life
Wake up and live it
Don't let anyone hold you down
Don't let anything hold you back
All you have is this minute in today
Will you hold onto it
Or let it fly?

Love to all.

ALIVE.

Today was GREAT, and amazingly productive. I went to class bright and early, headed to the library after class to check out a book on short loan (6 hours...), and traveled downtown to Rosy's Tea Shop in the city centre, where I proceeded to read 230 textbook pages in under 3 hours and complete my weekend plans, all while drinking a Belgian dark hot chocolate and rockin' my roommate's stiletto boots. Bam ba bam.

I love my life.

But throughout the past week, the love factor hasn't exactly been present. I'm going through some serious transitions in my life, which are complicated, messy, and necessary, and so am under a considerable amount of emotional stress on a daily basis. Without close friends and family nearby, this has been a bit of a battle, depending on whether or not I decide to acknowledge my inner turmoil that day. However, I know that I am on the road to finding me -- rather, I am on the road to accepting the fact that there will never be a set "me", that I am a fluid human being who changes on a daily basis. Consistency may be comforting at times, but I find that, in this circumstance, my desire for consistency within myself is the cowardly way out. Instead, I'm now striving to find peace in my fluidity, and confidence in my ability to grow, change, and fluctuate with my environment.

Basically, I've been holding myself back. I've been so worried about the changes happening within myself that I have understandably doubted who I am. And that, my friends, is one of the most difficult processes to undergo, and one we can expect to undergo numerous times in our lives. So the past week has been a little rough -- I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of staying in one place (possibly trying to compensate for the constant running around of my thoughts), etc. But I realized that I can only take so much of that... life was starting to get gloomy.

So I've reached out to people I care about and want to get to know better. I'm done holding myself back from experiencing my life to the fullest. I headed to Dogma (a club by Lace Market that hosts dance-offs every Tuesday) last night with a few of the breakdancing guys, and it was AWESOME. Did I have the guts to show my skills? Nope. Not yet. :) But I'll get there. I went off on my own to experience something outside of my comfort zone, and it was glorious.

Today I established within myself that I am more than able to thrive in my skin. I haven't been letting myself enjoy being me. Instead of loving myself and laughing at myself or whatever the case may be, I had neutralized my emotions towards myself in order to... I don't even know. What was I doing? C'mon. I am ANYTHING but neutral. I am alive, and I love being me, and maybe some days I have pimples or an extra pound around the thighs or whatever. But hey, those are parts of me, too, and there's no reason for us to hate ourselves for our imperfections. We should embrace those "imperfections", if they should even be called that, as part of life, as part of ourselves, and move forward graciously. We accept other people for who they are, why can't we accept ourselves with the same amount of grace?

So there you have it, a blog post barely about England, and very much about me IN England. But that's okay. It needed to be said.

One last thought: I don't think I could ever be with anyone who routinely sneezed into their hands. I mean, c'mon, that's what elbows are for.

Love you all, enjoy the little moments!
Amy

Hallowe'en (apostrophe completely intended)

Yes. Halloween is spelled with an apostrophe between the two E's, as if it's supposed to be a remnant of the word "evening". Just one more piece of evidence that England puts way too much work into spelling every word ever crafted into existence. Abby, Aimee, and I had a lovely Halloween debate with some British gents about the spelling and pronunciation of "aluminum". Yeah. They like to add an I to the word, making it "aluminium". Ha. Spellcheck has deemed this spelling incorrect. I stand triumphant.

SO. Halloween isn't a big deal over here, which I know, is shocking. You'd think that the country that first conjured up the pagan traditional celebration of Hallow's Eve would want to make a bigger deal out of the holiday. But alas, it seems that America once again has proven to enjoy the bigger and better, and makes Halloween one gargantuan monument to partying. England has a fetish for costume parties on any day of the week throughout the year, with stag and hen parties being all the rage, so I guess Halloween just wasn't cool enough to turn many people's heads this year.

However, I still managed to celebrate Halloween twice this weekend, which is really the only way to do it. Abby, Aimee, and I (AKA the 3 As, AKA America) headed to a vampiric house party on Lenton Street where we met up with some of our friends from Musicality and a bunch of other attractive people that we were fortunate enough to meet. After chatting up the necessary American topics with some British gents (Canada v. America, Obama, Iraq, atrocious spelling habits), we headed to Forum (UNott's version of a massive, rave-style Roscoe's) for some serious dancing. We stayed there until 3, and then called it a night.

Our next adventure came Saturday evening in the form of a flat Murder Mystery Party! IT WAS EXCELLENT FUN. We all dressed up as characters from the 1920s, and created our own backstories and motives for killing Mr. Rosenblum. I WANT TO DO THIS EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Maybe. I was Roxy Malone, 1920s club singer with a string of lovers and a dark and destructive past. WHOA. INTENSE.

After the MMP, which ended up with all of us being killed by an anonymous murderer (Aaron Schmaltz) because none of the stories really lined up, we headed to Pit and Pendulum, a pub inspired by the work by Edgar Allen Poe, and thus completely perfect for Halloween. The pub was crowded, so we headed to the Hog's Head, where I couldn't help myself from dancing to the music videos playing on the TVs on the wall, which drew the attention of the bouncer outside who kept amiably making fun of me. When half of our group cleared out to go to bed, the rest of us meandered back to Pit and Pendulum to buy a drink for each of the Seven Deadly Sins. Although un-iced, THEY WERE DELICIOUS. Then home. And an attempt to watch Psycho, but we fell asleep.

Yesterday was glorious as well: a day set aside to the cultivation of my intellect -- reading from the Qur'an, Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes, and Dante's Divine Comedy. There's so much for me to learn, and I am SO GRATEFUL for the time I have this year to do just that! To explore the classics, to learn from some of the greatest philosophical minds and creative explorers of all time. Yesssssssssss. This is living. This is life. This is MY life. And I love it, so much.

I've learned to truly follow my heart, even in the little things. It's important to be able to listen to those little promptings -- if you feel the need to lay on the floor and listen to music, do it. If you feel the need to dance around while walking to the bus stop, do it. If you feel the need to start reading something challenging, do it. Likewise, if you feel the need to read something completely romantic, go right ahead and do it. Life is yours to hold onto, and we must listen to what our hearts and telling us we need, and to act upon those whispers.

Love you all!